Sunday, September 28, 2003

denial files

my local is in total denial. deny to the nines. he actually sed before his crying session, " i dont know what is going on with you and that guy in iraq!" in reality, the deep cuts started from the beginning. he knows that... m has nothing to do with our troubled marraige. the trouble began when we came here, and after 1 1/2 years i sed, "ok, its time to think about going back to the states." ( i was under the impression we had a 'plan to try for 2 years') and he sed, "i never sed anything about going back." now it is year 12. i have tried over and over again to be the "good wife", the "nice wife"... the teacher (i hate english as an academic subject!) the good little gaijin, represent my country ya know... show how we are friendly, funny, easy going... can i please have a retirement now from ambassador???!!! can i please have a retirement from the emotional wasteland???!!! emotion is taboo, touch is taboo, being a fucking human is taboo... m... i wanna scream when i am mad at the world! i wanna hug and kiss all over you when i feel a wave of loving emotion! i wanna make wild animal noises and tell you i love your penis like a part of my own body and not feel shame! my local is trying to be the perfect husband after that crying session. i thought he understood...i have moved out of the bedroom. he tries to start finding a permanent place, he takes me out to dinner and tries to get me drunk. he asks, how is m? oh god.....

Friday, September 26, 2003

a short break

ah... he has a day off today, playing with drew carry perhaps? i sure hope so. a break for him means a break for me, at least in the worry department. now if i could just get the pain out of my twisted neck, get my monthly visitor to come visit, and get my man out of baghdad for good, life might start to improve! thanks doctor j! the frozen bean bag is working wonders! you are an angel dear one, we will make it together, it was truly a week to forget, eh? one thing i will never forget is you have been there for me! on a mundane note, i was on my way to the post office and walked past a big room stacked with macs! i just about fell down! its not a recycle shop or even a repair shop really, just a guy doing web design and happened to have the door open. in this billgatesglutted wasteland it was a real ray of sunshine! i will hafta stop by and macgush with him sometimes.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

whining in the dark

he sez he will never complain again about anything after this shit. you and me both babe. it is amazing how suffering either makes you or breaks you. but in the meantime, i am a whining, i am a crying, a total wreck in the dark. nobody can hear me tho. cuz remember, i am the one people depend on to be happy girl. hey! here comes that genki gaijin! she dances in the classroom, hangs with the boys in the hall between class. and i gotta start a new school next week! start all over again. what kind of jerk stick in the mud will i have to work with? i was warned he was a 'serious' type... ugh... well, we will see how easy it is to break that mold. already in my mask as the asshole buster. the current school was a lost cause. i never even tried. mr. boredom is too busy being a jerk to respond. oh well, you do what you can to bring some joy in the world, i had fun with kids a bit. now, if they let me do the electives like the first school, the next 8 weeks will be relatively painless. ha! we made a movie!!! 'killer attack'... they wanted to bump off a teacher! i sed i would get bumped off the payroll if i let them go that far. but god it was fun! i am so used to playing the role, i almost forgot how miserable i am for a minute there! i need a spliff. a big one, 5 feet long... pssssssssssssst....aaaahghhhh.... we will break that water pipe from baghdad in together babe!

Monday, September 22, 2003


well, i sit here waiting. he buzzed my phone, and a couple painfully short e-mails... that hit or miss thing again. the office pc has yahoo.. well yahoo uncle sam! get your shit together and pay the fucking internet bill! he has mission duty for some puke on leave??? oh god...oh geez... "dont worry babe"... oh honey, how can i not??? have faith, trust in a higher power... you are not in charge anyway, so get off your high horse and stop thinking you are!!! sean is out...lucky bastard! but man thanks for playing a part, you came through for us when things were so bleak. the karmakismet of you finding m was a real morale booster! thanks you big tatooed angel!!! anyway... i have a feeling...if m gets out before feb. i wont make it till the end of this contract. i would chew my own arm off to get to him! no trap can bind me, nothing will ever separate us again until the sweep of the grim reaper's sythe cuts us down...

Sunday, September 21, 2003


in the real world snailmail only takes a few days... a card from nuremburg arrives in 4 days! and inside it, i little gold charm of a sailboat... sailing to you my love... sailing to you. the seas are yet to get rough, but the keel will never crack! just when you think you cant make it, the sky opens up and the stars shine through! let the typhoon pass, a great day awaits!

Saturday, September 20, 2003

for real

well, i will get back to that enigmatic crap later.. blogspot just wouldnt accept it. we spent 5 days in nuremburg!(on the phone) man, if you think karma is a bunch of krap, you better get your dictionalry out and redefine your definition! kismet is the word i chose from the websters jus cuz i like the sound of it... but taking out the graph-o-meter. its jumping off the scale. i fell in love with him when i was 14. i never told him. he fell in love with me when he was 16. he never told me. we are 43 and 45 respectively. i found him on the internet last fall, two months before his guard unit deployed for iraq. we fell in love all over again in that 2 months, never "exactly" saying it. when he deployed to fort*** he wrote me the first, " i love you"... it would be easy, if i wasnt married. huh?... well, imprisoned might be the proper word. who is the jailor? me!!! but then again i am not in charge here. parts are played out for unfathomabe reasons when you give you it up... when the bombs started falling in march, i took the envelope off a letter i had clutched beyond recognition, got blown away on my drink of choice (bier...must be the german blood), and i scrawled how much i was in love with him and couldnt live without him and.... do you know... that the mail could get here faster on a fucking camel swimming here??? hey! uncle sam!!!!! its the 21st century??? shave your beard and stop bombing everybody!!! i'm high... i'm sad... i'm happy out of my head! if i thought for one moment i was in charge of this life, i should be the laughingstock of every temple, shrine, church or mosque from here to babylon...,!


i have started a countdown calendar. its a thing you do, when you have something you are waiting for so bad, you have to count the time to keep from going insane. waiting time drags, it twists and turns and and does somersaults, but never goes straight. always yankin yer chain... hey! youre waiting arent you?! taunting... making a fool of you... the key is not to let it get the better of you. beat it at its own game. yeah you bet i'm waiting and loving every minute of it. ha! you have to love it, because you know when the wait is over, life begins. a new birth. the one you have waited for all your life whether you are 25 or 85. germany was the best vacation i have ever had, and i didnt even go there. words fail me... realtime communication for the first time since before he deployed. (except that very short very bad connection call in may) gosh...the autumnal equinox is next week. signpost of time passing. the sun moving one more phase in the year. we talked about so much. he keeps saying he is safe. i know he says it to ease my fears, but he likes the local people, spends most of his time with them... they like him, they are making him fat! shishkabob with fresh onions... he loves the weather! the heat doesnt bother him too much, not as much as some. the rebuilding he sees. he jokes... sucking general shit is rebuilding? hahaha... i could go bonds are tied with tender words and teary goodbyes... its so hard to say goodbye, just say, "see you soon my love"... keep it cheery, not teary... thats hard, let me tell you. cry your eyes out later, as soon as you hang up...

Friday, September 19, 2003

this is a test

this is a test. for the next sixty letters this site will be invaded by hordes of voracious gadzookabytes. do not shut off your computer. this is only a test. either blogspot has zapped this page or the cybergods are punishing me for not posting, cuz i'm trying but they will not post.

Friday, September 12, 2003

bring it on

i should be used to the impeccable timing thing. perfection doesnt mess around. in with the bad air out with the good, out with the good air in with the bad. dharma wheels turn as pilgrims are crushed under thier weight. thier bodies the cushioning for the Beloved's chariot. we are crushed but not broken. rise up from the muck to be crushed again...give us a chance to glimpse the wonder of your love, we need the chance...

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

miracles can happen

he is out! on a plane! on his way to germany!!! as i type! some things are worth waiting for my love... its only r&r but man we will make the best of it. what timing eh? the emergency phone number dial 9-1-1! there are no coincidences...

on the job

suffers pile on top of each other for maximum effect, something like quaaludes for a methamphetamine high... he leaves for germany tonight as the domestic shit hits the fan... would i ask for this kind of timing? only if i was the perfect whipping boy. ouch ! it hurts so bad... please let me bear the burden one more day... i will work in your vineyard... keep me by your side , keep my lamp light trimmed... hey! your little servant is on the job!

Friday, September 05, 2003


havent been posting letters. just too personal... plans and stuff. now here i sit on the edge of my seat. it would be a major military miracle if he was actually on his way to frankfurt. the term snafu did originate there did it not? the phone rings this a.m. its a gaijin voice i dont recognize. she asks for me by name. my heart is in my throat. is it an operator patching through a call? noooo. the bank in beantown... i hate that. dont get me all excited like that! its late and i am wide awake. i predict a no sleeper. all the booze in the house would not bring me down tonight. hurry up and wait. i need that elixir of his smoothe voice to calm me. nothing else will work. tonight i care about nothing but us. the world will go to hell in a handbasket whether i care or not. rumi grabs me again: "i, you, he, she, we. in the garden of mystic lovers, these are not true distinctions."