denial files

my local is in total denial. deny to the nines. he actually sed before his crying session, " i dont know what is going on with you and that guy in iraq!" in reality, the deep cuts started from the beginning. he knows that... m has nothing to do with our troubled marraige. the trouble began when we came here, and after 1 1/2 years i sed, "ok, its time to think about going back to the states." ( i was under the impression we had a 'plan to try for 2 years') and he sed, "i never sed anything about going back." now it is year 12. i have tried over and over again to be the "good wife", the "nice wife"... the teacher (i hate english as an academic subject!) the good little gaijin, represent my country ya know... show how we are friendly, funny, easy going... can i please have a retirement now from ambassador???!!! can i please have a retirement from the emotional wasteland???!!! emotion is taboo, touch is taboo, being a fucking human is taboo... m... i wanna scream when i am mad at the world! i wanna hug and kiss all over you when i feel a wave of loving emotion! i wanna make wild animal noises and tell you i love your penis like a part of my own body and not feel shame! my local is trying to be the perfect husband after that crying session. i thought he understood...i have moved out of the bedroom. he tries to start finding a permanent place, he takes me out to dinner and tries to get me drunk. he asks, how is m? oh god.....