Thursday, January 29, 2004

cloud 10

yeah!!! i cant say cloud nine till i am in his arms, but we are in the final stretch!!! the final days of phase three! when he was in germany he sed the code word if they make him stay the absolute longest would be 'phase three'. well, he is out of baghdad! i cant believe it. what a long year. the longest of my life. i have never cried so much in my life. nor worried so much. and now its over!!! he's in kuwait, chillin with some paperbacks and his gameboy, drinking lattes and counting the final days. man, i just dont know how to describe the relief! so j. asks me when are you leaving? and i sed the first week of march if i can get a reservation. and she sez, well then, how about march 4th as in 'march forth' into a new life? what a genius! thanks sweet one! so i checked the calendar, i need to leave on a weekday so i can get a cheaper ticket, and sure enough, that's a weekday. and it just so happens to be a thursday. i was born on a thursday! couldnt ask for better timing on that one! now lets see if i can score a ticket! and pray that the army doesnt give his unit one final snafu just to top off all the other wicked shafts they got hit with. so i wont be kris in izu much longer, its back to where i came from, krisinindiana!!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

rollercoaster ride

whew! a busy few days! but not busy enough in the communication dept. with m.... i havent heard from him for 4 nights!!! all i can pray is he's just too busy, he has warned me often enough of that possibilty, especially so close to departure from baghdad. i cant help but worry though, he has been sick for months now... oh how i just long to take care of him! good food, (i'm a master chef, give me the ironchef award everynight!) good rubdowns, ( i know a thing or two about that too, you dont have to be muscle mama if you got technique!lol!) and good loving...(i NEVER have a headache...hehehe) when you love somebody with the intensity of such as me, you live to make them happy, and let me tell you, no sacrifice is too great when they show you appreciation and gratitiude. that is the reward. yeah i'm human, i desire to be recognized for my efforts. well, the moaf (mother of all fights)has gone down and it is sure to be the last. when i took that box to work and he said, 'are you sending that to iraq?' and i sed ,'no, i'm sending it to myself in the states. 'he finally sed, 'well, i guess you arent gonna change your mind'...duh...i guess not! i thought giving him 4 months to get used to the idea was enough... i believed all that buddhamind bullshit rap... how he understood human nature... looks like he forgot his own possessive nature in all that 'studying'. well, put down the book philosepher and live a day or two and then you will know the buddhamind... nobody is above desire, and accepting our desire and embracing it is when you jump into that ocean of love and drown, rather than drown from the attempts to stifle desire until one day a shock hits you (your little bird escapes from its cage)... i have found a shipping company that specializes in gaijin moves! yippeeeee! thanks K.... my angel, my agent in life and love...i love you!xoxoxoxox

Tuesday, January 20, 2004


well, no word yet since the mother of all blasts at the mother of all checkpoints... guess the guys didnt consider that such a safe checkpoint after all...but m. has told me over and over he is at a safe checkpoint... sean's lady started a blog. i am grateful that she did... surely he is too busy to be answering mails at this point. but i really was concerned about what was going on with him, he has been there for me in my darkest hour... thanks sean, i hope i can be there for your lady too... it got me to thinking of my life and my ties to the military. j> sed to me, You are about to do your first military wife move...well, hardly...hehehehe... my first hub was a bubblehead, my daddy a vietnam vet... shit, i should be used to it by now... the deployments, the patrols, the months and months of no contact... hey everybody! there was no internet 20 years ago! the sub patrols we got things called 'familygrams' each guy got 6 per patrol. they were just like telegrams, limited to 200 hundred words. and vietnam? come on... no phonecalls.. teleconferencing? in your wildest startreks dreams baby... well, me and m. have been lucky to have 1... countem... 1 instant message chance in 13 months except the 5 days in nuremburg... anyway... i was thinking back today... where was my dad? what was he doing? was he alive or dead? phuket?...danang?... and john...cruising georges bank?... crossing under the arctic circle? licking whipped cream from a fat neptunes belly button while they painted his balls with prussian blue???.... hahaha.... memories.... fond?... not hardly.... m... COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 18, 2004

shakin in my boots

well, what else can i do??? monster blast at a major checkpoint at HQ just after 8:00a.m.? m. sez he is at a safe checkpoint, that one was considered a safe one... he works until 8:00a.m.... i hate this worry...i am so sick of it... only a couple more weeks left...'don't borrow trouble' is what my mother always tells me... i guess she's right. and this hassle of trying to find a moving company. i give up. just 'slash and burn' as K. sez. give up the junk. women and thier handbags... i'm not a handbag type but its amazing how much stuff you can collect. uncle D. told me, 'we are possessed by our possessions', well, i have thrown away a lifetime before, what's a bunch of clothes and books anyway? certainly not worth being possessed by...

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

stubborn mules

well bust my britches, i never could have guessed my local would be so damn dogged about trying to keep me. he must have been in heaven all these years to have his prize locked up in a cage, could take me out whenever he felt like it, do with me what he wanted and then throw me back in when he finished. man, was i dumb or what? to think being honest and upfront would somehow make it easier on him. give him time to adjust, get used to the idea of me leaving. well, i guess the kicker for some guys is when another mule is kickin in thier stall. but you see, i believed all his talk, all that buddha mind bullshit. then he comes out with,'i'm just a man'... but man, if you knew what love was about you would have realized long ago its not about possession, its not about taking, its about giving... if he loved me dont you think he would be glad to 'give' me to the one and only man in this world who knows how to love me? he sent m. a letter... 'dont take my wife'... that is so sad, because he isnt taking me. because i am not a possession. i love m., i have loved him for decades. that has never and will never change. my local has accused me of everything under the sun. immorality, (is desire in your heart immorality? we have never slept together and only kissed once!) abandonment, you name it i have heard it. well, i wont air his dirty immorality here, i will give him that privacy. but really, the letter to m. was the last straw. i will be out of here asap, forget being responsible... shit, i have been trying to organize old cans and bottles for god's sake, feeling it was my duty to help get all the junk sorted out that collects over the years. those two hell moves we did over the last 2 years have turned out to be a blessing in disguise in that regard though. the junk level is relativley low. hey, know anybody who wants a mac performa OS 8.6? i got two of them junkyard bound!!!!

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

getting down the wire

its official! m. is DOHA bound at the end of the month!!! how long will they keep him there? well the local paper back home sez they are expected back the end of february. we are getting down the wire. i have been here in izu too long. the break will not be easy. i am starting to miss my ex. and i havent even left yet. what will i miss? i will miss him goddammit! i let him have total control over me all these years and now i guess i am so used to it i am addicted to it. i really loved him so much, i wish he hadnt been so abusive, it leaves me with a mountain of bad memories. he accused me of focusing only on the negative. but there has been so much of that. like B. told me of her japanese husband, the most abusive manipulative nicest guy you could ever meet. well, when i start talking this way i aint missing him so much anymore. lol! it certainly isnt cold feet though, i long for m. like a dying man in the desert longs for water. women tell me dont go to him with baggage. but get real ladies, who doesnt have baggage?! you carry it and you let your mate see inside what you got, otherwise youre only fooling yourself. m. knows everything. i cant hide anything from him anymore than he can from me. some of us in this world just cant keep secrets, especially about ourselves. one of m.'s ex's said he was painfully honest. i will take that anyday over the sneaky slithery stuff i have been handed here, and not just from my ex, its just a way of life here to be vague and indirect. those are considered virtues for chrissake! i love it when people tell me japan is so westernized. ha! thats a laugh and a half let me tell you! i have been manipulated over and over here, and its just par for the course. if i balked, i am 'wagamama'...spoiled... spoiled cuz i dont want to be slave to my landlady? its no joke, the last place i lived the fucking bitch expected me to work for her in exchange for pickles. and NOBODY warned me before we moved in. but EVERYBODY in the village knew her reputation... long story.... you can imagine...

Saturday, January 03, 2004

comic relief (?)

so geek weekend had me crawling the alleyways of akihabara. i found one of those dancing saddam dolls and filmed a bit of it. darned if the nasty bastard didnt somehow slip through the cracks and got deleted before i managed to download it. so i sent k. out to try to find one and just buy the thing, send it home and call it a 'keepsake' of war. he dances to an awful arab disco pop song. so k. goes in search of one, and gets hairy eyeballed any number of times. and wouldnt you know, the damn bastard has escaped again!!! he couldnt find one! but one 'dancing doll' he did find, was jesus and the devil. and when you turn it on they start punching it out!!! only in japan man... by the way, what is happening to the real saddam anyway? has he just fallen through the cracks? did they ship him to cuba? or is he living the high life at cpa HQ???? is he the jerk that ripped off a pc in m's barracks so the entire unit has lost access now? all those guys who had a chance to chat with thier ladies after an entire year??? well, if the back to back deployment stop loss crap goes through, mexico, here we come! (canada is toooo cold!) se habla espanol?