getting down the wire

its official! m. is DOHA bound at the end of the month!!! how long will they keep him there? well the local paper back home sez they are expected back the end of february. we are getting down the wire. i have been here in izu too long. the break will not be easy. i am starting to miss my ex. and i havent even left yet. what will i miss? i will miss him goddammit! i let him have total control over me all these years and now i guess i am so used to it i am addicted to it. i really loved him so much, i wish he hadnt been so abusive, it leaves me with a mountain of bad memories. he accused me of focusing only on the negative. but there has been so much of that. like B. told me of her japanese husband, the most abusive manipulative nicest guy you could ever meet. well, when i start talking this way i aint missing him so much anymore. lol! it certainly isnt cold feet though, i long for m. like a dying man in the desert longs for water. women tell me dont go to him with baggage. but get real ladies, who doesnt have baggage?! you carry it and you let your mate see inside what you got, otherwise youre only fooling yourself. m. knows everything. i cant hide anything from him anymore than he can from me. some of us in this world just cant keep secrets, especially about ourselves. one of m.'s ex's said he was painfully honest. i will take that anyday over the sneaky slithery stuff i have been handed here, and not just from my ex, its just a way of life here to be vague and indirect. those are considered virtues for chrissake! i love it when people tell me japan is so westernized. ha! thats a laugh and a half let me tell you! i have been manipulated over and over here, and its just par for the course. if i balked, i am 'wagamama'...spoiled... spoiled cuz i dont want to be slave to my landlady? its no joke, the last place i lived the fucking bitch expected me to work for her in exchange for pickles. and NOBODY warned me before we moved in. but EVERYBODY in the village knew her reputation... long story.... you can imagine...