scared

yeah, i am getting scared... cold feet? never, just scared. scared to post here, scared to think of the shape of things to come. but damn if i am gonna back out. when things are meant to happen, you cant back out. you can delete to your hearts content but the deleted data never really leaves the system. when your system fails and you figure it out and you reboot... there comes your shit right in your face again. i wait, i try to let my mind wander, but it always wanders back to him. i wait some more, you know the mail takes five weeks, so just chill honey, some things just cant be said on a pc... in somebody else's space...in a hellish prison with rpg's and mortar rounds flying... i havent been to a movie house in five years. i havent seen tv in over three years.(well, with the exception of those south park and daily show vids D.& T.sent me) i havent eaten a decent pizza in that long either. are those the things that matter? no, it is who you see the movie with that matters....babe, i got it so bad for you.... going out on that boat just made it hurt more... but i will go out again and i will learn those knots and i will learn how to tack, cuz it will be a big part of us as a team... a good team. one that rocks the house! scared? yeah, shakin in my boots... but those nerves are what propel the machine to take the steps that wait to be taken...

back in the loop

after a serious pocket-gouging by govt. protected monopolized mega telecom company, i am back in the loop. give myself an A+ in geekdom this semester. no mail for 3 days. all i can do is wait. and pray. uncle gives me a moral churning and R gives me congrats for embracing the madness. morals... uncle sez be up front. yep, that is the way i have to be. embracing the madness comes naturally. those who sit on the shore... i thought i was too old for this to happen, i really did. i guess i have been brainwashed by my environs to think life is over at 40. lovelife anyway. what crap! S sed to me..'youre still young, you should live life as much as you can while you can!' so true...

worry

some days are better than others. an infantry puke gets a point blank in the campus cafe after getting a coke.. the worry eats at you like maggots. it sits in your throat like a rock of flames that starts your mind on fire... you KNOW its not your man, but you KNOW it is somebody else's... war sucks. nobody wins... we all know it too. dad had a lighter from nam that said, "war is hell, but actual combat is a son of a bitch"... well... son of a bitch, man!!

honne and tatemae

there are ways of thought that a westerner will probably never grasp. east is east and west is west after all.... honne= true sound/ tatemae= standing in front... tatemae is what you say and show to the outside. honne is that deep secret self of your true feelings. you don't expose your true self to others, even your mate. you "gaman", you bite back the real you , you swallow your humble pie cheerfully and always make harmony the priority. when i hear the iraqis say, "yankee go home"... surely many are doing the tatemae thing. we as westerners see these traditions as sneaky, underhanded... "why don't you say what you really mean???" we don't pride beating around the bush, we pride cutting the damn bush down so we can communicate more honestly... is there a way to bring the two together somehow? the east and the west, the honne and the tatemae... is there a happy medium?

mandatory volunteer

some places in the world have an old culture. they do things because... well, it has just always been that way. and when everybody does those things and is expected to, it leaves no room for imagination, chance, failure, fun! those who sit on the shore and wonder wistfully what the ocean is like but never get thier feet wet, will never realize that ocean. but those that throw off the chains of fear and dive deep realize the truth in that ocean of love!!! splashhhh!!!

politiko

you know you been somewhere too long when the politician calls you by first name... there is this one politician guy who stands by the side of the road every morning greeting the local commuters. he is a farmer. he is a member of the communist party. they aren't really reds here, they just are one of the only voices to oppose the one party rule the US govt. allowed to be established here 57 years ago. and the neocons got that one party sniffing the ground behind them. pass out the barf bags, i feel nauseous...

pattern recognition

you are raised on flinstones, jetsons and tang. you know what reality is when you see these recognizable signs. but if you remove the familiar, the mundane and all the habit forms, you get a blank screen with ghost trails of the past... you start to rebuild a picture from the bits you can scrape together. you make a few steps and you puff up with pride ... YOU are different, YOU are special, and YOU are making the grade.... then the screen goes blank again. how can we know the significance of an act or gesture? all the philanthropic deeds in the world couldn't match even just one smile if that smile were from the heart. there is a stray cat. he is not cute. he is desparate. he is the looter, the crying kid with his arms blown off. he comes to steal my food... my heart...

gods are everywhere

the gods have no boundaries in this place. there is a god to watch over your children, your kitchen, your toilet... there is a god in the rocks , and your turds... there is a cyber god that sits in the ether making sure those 'special' connections are observed and accounted for... cyber gods prevail! they have no borders... praise be the silicon chip!