Sunday, March 27, 2005

an honest man

this guy is a first for me, but i am always on the lookout. the tokugawa monkeys have been properly butchered. thank you masa!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

fuck you big fat american bitch!

i knew it was only a matter of time before i got a smack of reality, that egomaniac crybabies are to be found everywhere. i was caught a bit off guard since i tried so hard to make her happy, and she tells me she cried cuz all her shit was in bags... superwoman complex i know about, my own mama had it till it ruined her one day. when the ego pedestal was jerked out from under her she collapsed. being barked at for imperfections when i bust my ass to accomplish something... i know about that too... my ex did that to me for almost two decades. i folded when she used my feeble defense of being overwhelmed by so much shit to attack me, "i'm the one who is overwhelmed!" overwhelmed by all your own shit lady? ざまあみろ!!

Monday, March 21, 2005


また、あなたのことが海鮮病のような痒いんだよ! 思い出しやすいずら。。。かきたいけど、かくと、 もっと我慢できにくくなるよ!昨日、心の不安が stimulateされて、この野郎!おまえさんのせで。。。 ちょこっと、breakdownしたんだ。 M。は、”びっくりしないよ。ほうかの やつにさけんでいることがわかったから、 だいじょぶよ!その不安は、すこしずつ、 弱くなるよ。。。” ありがとう。。。M。。。 指先また、やけどしたんだ!この間、 bleachで、こんかい、お風呂場のタイルのgroutを なおしながら、しごとしながら気をつけないと、ばかだ!

Friday, March 11, 2005


しんじられないけど、日本からはなれて、 まる一年たった。恋しいきもちがなくならない。 いなくてさびしいけど、いると、さびしい。。。 it's hard to believe, one year has passed since i stepped off the plane. a fast wonderful year. very productive. full in a way it never has been. and empty in a way. leaving japan was a major step. i made it. not without help, but i made it. i am still really mad. some day i won't be, but it aint today. everytime i think of Y., the tears well up with an anger chaser. he ragged on me, "you only concentrate on the bad things, it's just your excuse to leave." that's exactly right, because the bad outweighed the good. it was not by my own volition that the scales tipped that way. you KNOW what you did to load them permanently in the negative. when you made the conscious decision to put your pecker play before our marraige, you doomed it dude. the scene of this conversation between us plays over and over in my mind. the way you tried to manipulate me with that bullshit about maybe it was because i couldnt have children. instead of breaking down further when you said that, (and you must have known that would happen...) i should have pushed you off that cliff we were standing on. only after you knew i was leaving did you come to me and confess your little secret. hard to confess something that has been a major issue for the last 5 years of our life together. it really was just the camel that broke the straw's back though, cuz you had me down in a million ways before that final kick. well, i can get through the day now without getting too bent out of shape in my own private nightmare. m. lets me rant, he has the same rants about his family abuse so we hold hands and comfort each other in honest love. no threats, no doubts, only good old fashioned human compassion!

Thursday, March 10, 2005


あまり心は落ち着くまで時間がかかったんだ。 今でも毎日涙がぽろぽろでる。 話ながら、Y。のことけっこでる。。。 intimateとemotionalの人間かんけいに不器用な人が多いだから。。。 おれも勉強中けど、命かけるんだよ! Y。さん、なんで、ぼくたちの命を捨てちゃったんかい?!?!? ”そうでもないよ!” と言うな! 今でも言うっているんですか!? (まだ、怒り心だ!:(....)