まる一年

しんじられないけど、日本からはなれて、 まる一年たった。恋しいきもちがなくならない。 いなくてさびしいけど、いると、さびしい。。。 it's hard to believe, one year has passed since i stepped off the plane. a fast wonderful year. very productive. full in a way it never has been. and empty in a way. leaving japan was a major step. i made it. not without help, but i made it. i am still really mad. some day i won't be, but it aint today. everytime i think of Y., the tears well up with an anger chaser. he ragged on me, "you only concentrate on the bad things, it's just your excuse to leave." that's exactly right, because the bad outweighed the good. it was not by my own volition that the scales tipped that way. you KNOW what you did to load them permanently in the negative. when you made the conscious decision to put your pecker play before our marraige, you doomed it dude. the scene of this conversation between us plays over and over in my mind. the way you tried to manipulate me with that bullshit about maybe it was because i couldnt have children. instead of breaking down further when you said that, (and you must have known that would happen...) i should have pushed you off that cliff we were standing on. only after you knew i was leaving did you come to me and confess your little secret. hard to confess something that has been a major issue for the last 5 years of our life together. it really was just the camel that broke the straw's back though, cuz you had me down in a million ways before that final kick. well, i can get through the day now without getting too bent out of shape in my own private nightmare. m. lets me rant, he has the same rants about his family abuse so we hold hands and comfort each other in honest love. no threats, no doubts, only good old fashioned human compassion!