thoughts of a (not so) isolated foreigner
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
N. sez to me today, "You cut your hair really short! Now you can look good in dangly earrrings" Yeah, right. I do have one pierced ear, another story on that one, but danglies!? Granted, she doesnt know me at all, i just maintain her house and yard/garden but do i really look like a dangly earring girl in M.'s dirty old BDU's? What a sight that would be, weedwhacking and branch cutting in dangly earrings!
Monday, October 17, 2005
I finally cut it off, i hate hair, but i hate having it cut by a stranger even more. But i let being pissed off at nothing drive me to finally do it. Of course it is a chop job, i mean chop chop all over my head, poorly shaped looking more like herman munster...ugh... but the shit is gone and for that i am grateful! after looking like a tired old hippy amy goodman body count reporter for almost a year, i realized it was having a serious effect on my self-esteem. not being all that well-endowed with it the first place, i was ready to slit my wrists! at least i dont look so old and tired now, i dont feel old or tired, so looking that way sucked! the way you look in the mirror really does have an effect on the day, doesnt it! not that i spend any time in front of one, but i do brush my teeth every morning... I think i see the light at the end of the bummed out tunnel, and the hair gone makes it easier to think, and with the ever so gentle urgings of m. i just may get my shit together! He has never had a judgemental or critical thing to say about anything i do or say, and that takes some gettting used to. i never even realized how stunted i have been by being criticized and judged about every damn thing i do, until i get here and no longer have that dark cloud in my relationship. i'm just like sarah, i blame myself for everything when things arent smooth and that is such bullshit! i am not responsible for anybody else's dumb decisions and indescretions but my own. i wonder if its a female gene thing, this tendency to take blame when things arent going well. i dont know about all the empowerment shit, but i do know how hard it hurts and how it deep it goes when someone you love looks at you and says, "you're wearing THAT?" i dread talking to my mother anymore because i know for a fact i am going to hear how disappointed she is that her children arent cookie cutter compliments of suburban perfection. well if i was as good at she was at throwing hurtful daggers, i would tell her maybe the return would have been better if the investment was made in the first place. anger anger boo hiss....