haircut

I finally cut it off, i hate hair, but i hate having it cut by a stranger even more. But i let being pissed off at nothing drive me to finally do it. Of course it is a chop job, i mean chop chop all over my head, poorly shaped looking more like herman munster...ugh... but the shit is gone and for that i am grateful! after looking like a tired old hippy amy goodman body count reporter for almost a year, i realized it was having a serious effect on my self-esteem. not being all that well-endowed with it the first place, i was ready to slit my wrists! at least i dont look so old and tired now, i dont feel old or tired, so looking that way sucked! the way you look in the mirror really does have an effect on the day, doesnt it! not that i spend any time in front of one, but i do brush my teeth every morning... I think i see the light at the end of the bummed out tunnel, and the hair gone makes it easier to think, and with the ever so gentle urgings of m. i just may get my shit together! He has never had a judgemental or critical thing to say about anything i do or say, and that takes some gettting used to. i never even realized how stunted i have been by being criticized and judged about every damn thing i do, until i get here and no longer have that dark cloud in my relationship. i'm just like sarah, i blame myself for everything when things arent smooth and that is such bullshit! i am not responsible for anybody else's dumb decisions and indescretions but my own. i wonder if its a female gene thing, this tendency to take blame when things arent going well. i dont know about all the empowerment shit, but i do know how hard it hurts and how it deep it goes when someone you love looks at you and says, "you're wearing THAT?" i dread talking to my mother anymore because i know for a fact i am going to hear how disappointed she is that her children arent cookie cutter compliments of suburban perfection. well if i was as good at she was at throwing hurtful daggers, i would tell her maybe the return would have been better if the investment was made in the first place. anger anger boo hiss....