wow... its nice, its really nice to be busy having such a good life in love, that you find yourself with a permanent grin in those moments when you arent really 'thinking' anything... going through the motions of daily life. i am still pinching myself and thanking the gods and goats and geese and ganders for conspiring to bring us together. i started out writing this to get out my rants and rages and whines about living in japan. those rants are still very fresh raw wounds. the relationship with Y. that hurt so good/bad... cant quite go there yet, i find myself in tears every damn time i am alone in the kitchen... the stinging pain of years of sadness spent in there alone, crying...in retrospect i realize it was the place i held my pain and grief to mull in alone. wierd how you can have a set pattern of behaviour for coping with stress but even if u take away the stress the coping behaviour remains. there are residuals to cope with but theres one thing for sure, it will not bring me down. i am reminded of what you said Y.,... 'for every moment of misery i live through without you from now on, may you live that more in happiness' i will keep that as a vow to you my love. that happiness eluded you. you could have had that with me because i gave you more than any man could ever want but you chose your tried and true habits and patterns to keep you company, rather than the warmth and comfort of a loving devoted wife...so i am busy happily living...life!