dear diary

i guess i always come in here with the intention of saying nothing. a noble thought indeed, when the blogosphere is a prettty busy place for people who have a whooole lot to say. i think back to my 'who cares' phase. actually, a philosphy i ended up adopting as a survival tool in the jungles of izu. if you really think anybody cares, think again, cuz they dont. you are lucky if you can meet one person in your life that would share with you thier last dollar. i cant help thinking how Y. cares for me. i know he would lay down his life for me now but why couldnt he give me the love and affection that is a given between a loving couple? i mean to make it clear, he almost never touched me! despite endless attempts to 'train' him. i always ended up in the end with the same response...'its just not part of my culture'.... why oh why was that so hard for him? why? why did he have to be so godamn dogged about his 'culture'? what if i had been that way? what if it had been me who just plain wasnt gonna budge from podunk idaho? what if i had insisted on public displays of affection? washing in the bathwater? does he really think he would stick it out just for me? walk talk and act like a cowboy in order to keep the neighbors from gawking... damn, i got that darn bitter gaijin bone stuck so deep in my throat. oh well, nobody cares, it will pass...maybe in another 30 years.....