Wednesday, September 28, 2005

stuck in first

no matter how i try to push forward i am stuck in first. wheels turning fast but gaining little or no ground. so much mental energy spent on all the wrong things. i spend so much time developing a sense of empathy just to end up drowning in tears about shit that has nothing to do with me or anybody i even remotely know. knowing too much about what goes on sucks, but i am like a creep at an accident scene, unable to turn away. this all sucks bigtime when my own mental house is still in a state of disrepair. i have let myself be passive so long to the point that pressing my agenda isnt even an option anymore. and on that occasion when i do say, "lets do that", for one reason or another i end up regretting it. a big sense of i am in control of everything that goes wrong. i know all too well the ways the mind fosters a bad thinking pattern. the brain loves habitual thought. then it can sit back and know its working. never mind it might be thinking stuff like, "im an idiot", or here is a good one, "nobody cares"...the thought i fostered for years. maybe going through the "nobody cares" cartoons i drew during that time might lighten me up. that therapy really helped! all i know right now is i better do something or im gonna lose it for sure cuz the tread is wearing off my tires with this first gear crap!